To reflect on my life and to work on my personal atonement, on the evening of Kol Nidre this year, I re-read services from past years that were meaningful to me, looked at last year’s notes of what I both “atoned for” and that I was “at one with” instead of going to a service. During the day of Yom Kippur I spent a peaceful two hours at Berlin’s Gemaeldegelarie and participated in a thought-provoking online service with Spinoza Havurah: The Spinoza Havurah – Spiritual Humanistic Judaism (wordpress.com) All together it was a satisfying way to “seal” the New Year. I felt rejuvenated and yet something was missing as I pondered my role in the world around me and particularly in terms of the war in Ukraine. As a pacifist, I feel unable to influence political developments to end the horrible suffering and destruction there.
Since 2000 when I accepted my Jewish identity, I had begun to relish this period of the “Days of Awe” when one is to reflect, accept, and/or commit to change one’s behavior. As a humanist, I particularly liked the idea that I can make my own personal choices to live my life – and not repent to a God (whom I doubt there is anyway). From 2001 until 2017 when I lived in Boston, I happily spent the High Holiday services as a part of KB in Boston Kahal B’raira (kahalbraira.org) There I helped organize the Kol Nidre Services for a number of years and also shared my personal reflections twice: once at a Yom Kippur Family Service in 2004 and once at a Rosh Hashanah Evening Service in 2005.
I felt privileged on Wednesday to spend two hours in an art museum instead of sitting in a synagogue. Not only did it feel more appropriate to my personal way of reflection, I felt incredibly lucky. What luxury! I spent the time in front of three beautiful, fascinating, and inspiring pieces of art –Amor Attis by Donatello, Netherlandish Proverbs by Pieter Brueghel the Elder, and The Grand Canal by Canaletto. There I did the tasks for the day: forgiving myself, reflecting on my life, and thinking of what I would like to do better this coming year. While I am a privileged gay man with dual citizenship happily married to a wonderful German living in a tolerant and accepting country, I know that I can do more in terms of serving my community however that is be defined. I thought that one small way to do so may be to write more frequently shorter pieces for my blog. I was immediately inspired to decide that sharing these reflections would be a good start.
After some time, sadly, I became quite frustrated with the juxtaposition of my serenity with others’ turmoil; here I was in a beautiful place enjoying art works and others were dying … We are told as Jews to reflect to ways on how to make the world a better place, aren’t we? In the midst of this dreadful war in Ukraine, whom can I influence, as I pacifist, to work to a solution that is not based on more killing and destruction? I have long given up on the United States government to talk about peace, but I had hoped that I would find proponents here in Germany. After all the Green Party is part of the government, the Left Party has articulate and intelligent spokespeople, and there are thoughtful and caring intellectuals. When some intellectuals and politicians have tried to do so, they are criticized for their naivete or worse … and German religious leaders are astonishingly quiescent.
There was a period when the Israeli leader, various leaders of the United Nations, among others were trying to negotiate with the Russian government. Now it is wonderful that the Pope talks about it; and where are the voices of Jewish leaders? It is disheartening to feel so helpless when people are dying, land is being destroying, people are fleeing … perhaps I am naïve, but shouldn’t a key lesson from the past be to try to work together and to talk to each other instead of fighting and fighting? And what are we – as peaceful loving people doing to stop this madness?
Chronicles from Berlin 